The lost passion

This blogger is not dead. Very much alive and kickin.

3 months into working as a house officer, I have so many stories to tell, so many emotions to pour out, but I'm losing the passion to tweet, let alone blog. Most of the time are spent on resting, lazing around, watching movies and a lil prep for assessment (which I have passed yay).

Let's blame it on my job.

A Change Is Gonna Come

May 30, 2011, is the OFFICIAL end of my life as a student.


To work, to serve, to contribute, to save, to relieve, to endure, to learn, to think, to thrive, to progress.To change.


Welcome to the world of working adult.

Fantasy

Sometimes I wish I can sing well. Really well. Being able to perform in front of huge crowd, giving out the performance of my life, and getting the loudest applause.

I guess I can only do it in my fantasy. Not as thrilling as the reality, but at least I can feel a very small bit of gratification from it. That will do.

p.s. no, this is not another Adele-inspired blog post. 

I'm still busy

I haven't been writing for so long till I don't know how to write a decent piece of blog post.

So many things have happened since my last post, almost each of them warrant a blog post of their own.

However, I am too occupied with other stuff, I don't have time for blogging. Yea I know it's holiday, but still, they are so many changes in my life for the past months, and more changes to come, and I need time to deal with them.

In case you wonder, below are what have happened so far:

1. I passed the professional exam! Finally the 5-year sort-of-thrilling ride as a medical student has ended. Another phase of life will begin a few months later, where I will work as a house officer.

2. I spend the last night in UKMMC doing journal correction with doctors, from 3pm to guess what, 12.30 am!! A very tiring day indeed. Hopefully it is worth the effort.

3. I owned a car. Yea, a Perodua Myvi. Been busy optimizing my understanding towards the car, the functions, the parts, the maintenance etc

4. I went to bangkok with my besties. Yea. I traveled by air for the first time in my life =.=. And the trip to bangkok was a mix of awesomeness and awfulness, but mostly awesomeness. Will blog extensively bout the trip, much later.

5. I got myself a job in KL International Book Fair, again. Yes, I'm in serious need of some money. Partly to cover my expenses in Bangkok trip, and also because I intend to buy a new phone. And a speaker. And a mp3 player. And an external hard drive LOL. Anyway, the 1st item will be a new phone.

6. I am busy searching for places for nice food in Penang. Yea, another Penang Food Trip is on. Highly anticipating indeed.

7. I realized I am still the same old me, easily provoked. Well I'm not gonna elaborate on this, but I will certainly reflect on this ill temper of mine. I can be very nice at times, and very obnoxious + rather intimidating when provoked.

8. I watched Source Code today. I haven't watched such a good movie in cinema for quite a long time, since I last watched Inception. Not as intricate as Inception, but certainly a very nice, engaging watch. A movie that makes you think, wonder, laugh, weep, cringe and reflect. Worth a review post on it's own, also much later =)

See. So many things to write about. Life is too exciting to allow me to spend time blogging, for the time being. Nevertheless, I will find time to blog about the above events, and also the weight loss secret I promised you months ago =).

Fun week ahead. Ciao.

Optimism

One minute you are fine, the next minute you have a heart attack/ get involved in a fatal accident/ are diagnosed with an incurable cancer.
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Life is too short for pessimism, sorrow and worries. I have always realized that, but I can't put that realization into practice. A recent sudden news of my lecturer being diagnosed with cancer kinda stunned me. 
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It's time to see and embrace things with more optimism. After all, we are tiny and insignificant in this universe, why sweat over small stuff? Live life to the fullest.
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Come what may, Nelson, come what may.
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p.s. am I psyching myself coz pro exam is around the corner? =.=

Relax bro~

Time is running out....fast...

Yes, this is me. This is how I perceive time. You may think I have a type A personality based on that, but that's not entirely true. I am a rather uptight person who constantly worry about my performance and final exam which is around the corner. Still, I do spend a rather significant amount of time in watching drama series, running, reading blogs and also in online social networking hehehe. So, what does it make me? I'm not quite sure, maybe a little bit of type A and type B. Nobody understands me well, even myself.

After the O&G posting exams, I am mentally and physically more relieved, at least for a while. The endless bed-covering in ward has kinda drained a lot of energy out of me. Last weekend, I scrambled last-minute in order to ensure adequate preparation for the exam. Now that it is over, I finally can took some time to resume exercising, blogging and chatting. The feeling of being able to do all these things without having to worry, even only for a while, is good.

I know this relaxed, laid-back mood is going to be short-lived. Next week, I am entering my final posting before facing my greatest fear (so far) - Professional Exam. Final posting man. Don't play play. I dread to think the amount of books I will have to revise and the amount of time needed to refresh and improve my clinical skills. Time to buckle up. Looks like some sacrifices have to be made in terms of entertainment.

No, that's not all of it. Don't be silly. 

Before all the laments and worries start creeping back, I am just gonna take it easy for the next few days. 

Relax bro ~~!

Of Regrets, Complaints & Worries

What's up? Nothing much I guess, except that I'm in O&G posting now, professional exam is getting closer and I feel like I am getting dumber day by day.

I am pretty much the same, still sane, still a procrastinator, still indecisive, still regretting & contemplating bout the past, complaining bout the present, and worrying bout the future.

Regrets? Well there's a lot of them... Too many to mention...Plus I just don't feel comfortable mentioning them, not that they are all that personal... Let's just say there are things that I should and shouldn't have done...

Yes, I like to contemplate about the past. I always wonder, would I have been a different person if I did certain things and made certain major decisions differently? What would I be doing now if I did not choose to do medicine 5 years ago? What would I be like? How would my life be? I know, it is pointless doing all the contemplating and guessing. But I can't help but to wonder very often. There are just so many what-ifs.

Complaints? Oh yes. Constantly dissatisfied with my achievement and progress. Feel like I am forgetting things at a greater rate than I used to. Realize that there are so many knowledge to acquire and my knowledge is just so frustratingly deficient. Unhappy with my lack of initiative, hard-work and practice. Unhappy with my introversion & impaired social skill. Disappointed with my time management. Bla bla bla....Am I being too harsh on myself? I think not. I can be better. I should be better. I should not regress. I should strive harder.

Worries? Hell lot of them. Worry bout my academic achievement. Always wonder how to strike a balance between study and play. Always worry about my career. What am I going to be? Where am I 10 years later? Can I achieve what I desire? Will I be happy doing what I am doing? Will I be happy, or miserable & lonely? Will my country's leaders ever make the right decisions? Will my parents know I love them if I don't express it verbally? Haiz why can't I just let go and let the future unfold itself? Worrying ain't gonna help....

Regrets, complaints and worries.... Gotta find a way to put a stop to it. Those freaking things make me unhappy. I can't continue living my life each day with all that. No one can.

_uck (lame shit)

_uck

What alphabet would you use to fill in the blank? What is the word that you are forming in your brain straightaway when you see it?

Duck: you are lame-r than my current state of mind.

Fuck: you are most probably normal.

Luck: you must be in some serious shit, you are trying to see luck in every corner.

Puck: you are a hardcore DotA fan, and your favourite hero is Puck; or

         you are a hardcore Glee fan, and your favourite character is Puck.

Suck: you are disgusting.

Tuck: you are a Nip/Tuck fan.

Yuck: you are judgmental.

Just so you know, I am normal.

Defense Mechanisms

Definition of Defense Mechanisms: "Unconscious psychological strategies brought into play by various entities to cope with reality and to maintain self-image"

Damn defense mechanism. All of us has it, each with different degrees and types. It prevents you from doing something you should, which you are afraid to / not willing to / lazy to.

For example, when you like someone, but are too coward to express it / not sure how to / afraid of ridicule and rejection, defense mechanism creeps in. It will make you think that you don't deserve that someone, you will not get along with that someone in a long run, and that someone does not have feelings for you, and that another someone will come along when you are prepared etc etc....

But, the truth is, you don't exactly know the answer for it. All you have to do is TRY. Damn it, the defense mechanism will make you do all the stupid assumptions which will lead you to an assumed conclusion aka hypothesis, and influence you into giving up trying, because it is trying to protect you from the possible rejection/ ridicule/ awkwardness/ failed relationship. Again, all the negative outcomes are merely possibilities, but the defense mechanism is so powerful that it makes you think the odds of failure are higher, hence it will be a futile attempt. In the end, you give up trying. Occasionally, you may have the urge to break out from such cowardice and THINK of trying, but then, sigh, defense mechanism is still playing with your mind, eventually successfully persuaded you into giving up. And this thing will go on and on until the opportunity is gone. And then you regret. Deeply.

Another scenario: You are so eager to take medical history from a patient, however that patient was clerked multiple times over. Then, defense mechanism sets in. It wants to protect you from the POSSIBLE rejection from a patient who MAY or MAY NOT be tired of all the clerking. In order to protect you, it will manipulate your mind like the example above, pushing you into making several assumptions:

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"Aiya read the case note enough already la"

"Aiya I have seen such case before, I think the symptoms are the same la"

"I think the patient is tired now, maybe i should come back again later" 

"The patient looks fierce, the probability of being rejected is high, aiya no need to ask la"

"Aiya fever only, no need practice taking history, I can wait for more interesting cases"

"Aiya pity the patient, clerked so many times already; those people lack empathy la, keep disturbing him. I won't want to tire him"

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And you get so creative that you can come out with so many other assumptions, just to hinder you from even approaching the patient. As a result, you risk faltering during case presentation, because you are full of assumptions and lack practice. 

The worse thing is that, sometimes you are rejected by patients and are let down. That will empower your defense mechanism, generating protection at lower threshold. You chicken out more easily in coming encounters. =.=

I can go on and on, giving more examples, but I ASSUME I have made my point.

F**k you defense mechanism!!

P.S. The above 2 examples are rationalization. There are worse types of defense mechanisms which I won't want to discuss.

Time

"Time is very slow for those who wait,

very fast for those who are scared,

very long for those who lament,

very short for those who celebrate.

But, for those who love, time is eternity."

(William Shakespeare)

Received an email containing the above excerpt. And it makes me contemplate.

I belong the the group who think time is moving very fast. I guess that means I'm scared.

I'm scared of the uncertainties I'm about to face as my life goes on.

I'm scared of getting what I don't deserve.

Heck, I'm even scared of the fact that I don't deserve what I want.

I'm scared that I'm not good enough.

I'm scared of the fact that I'm too scared commit mistakes.

I'm scared that I have been doing the wrong thing.

I'm scared that I have been making the wrong decisions.

I'm scared that my personality and my outlook towards life will make me an introvert, making me living in forever loneliness.

I'm scared that I actually over-think and put myself into misery, when I'm actually leading an OK life.

I'm so scared that I wish time will move a bit slowly, so that I have the time to change myself into a more 'ideal' person, before everything is too late.

But time won't slow down.

I guess that means I have to change the way I think, feel and see things. If not, I will forever live in fear, doubts, loneliness and sadness.

FML.